So In Crush...

...with D!!! Oh my word. It's ridiculous. I'm like how old?? What...the...hell.... And he's younger than me!! Not cougar-young or toy-boy young. But still. Younger!!

Ok. I'm done now. In crush. Again. With D. Again. Oh wait...I wasn't done. *sigh*

Memory Lane

Randomly surfing the 'net and saw the word "Absinthe", and it reminded me of a long-ago SG band called Absinth. Fronted by a Caleb/Calab something-or-other. Then it got me thinking of Electrico, and how I'll be missing their gig at BayBeats this year. Then it got me reminiscing about the past...my first BayBeats gig outing. Aloysius. Gee...haven't thought of him in a long time. Well...not in connection with any pleasant memories of our past relationship, that is...

Anyway...then that got me thinking of how we went gigging at Bar None when they had 'live' bands playing every Thursday night. Live local bands. Then that got me thinking of the time when I first got interested in taking nice photos. Not just happy snaps, but the arty-farty type. And then...I realised, I'm not cut out to be a photographer. 'Cos years later, I still suck at photography. Haha!!

In any case, it was a nice trip down memory lane. And it all started with one word: Absinthe. Funny though. Absinthe. Type of alcohol. Bar None. Place where I spent lots of time sipping Lychee Martini (yes. singular). If I didn't dislike alcohol in real life, this little trip down memory lane would be indicative of a much deeper problem!

Oh...did I mention I had a crush on this Caleb/Calab person? =)

What...in the hell....?

23:05   Hellos....
00:31   Hi hi... what's up?
00:33   Bz?
01:16   Looks like u are not free or not really interested to talk...
01:17   In any case, I dun feel like talking anymore....
01:18   Bye
05:02   Was sleeping. Got up to go toilet and saw your msg. So replied. It was 12.30am my time when I saw your msg.

Here we go again. I'd gone to bed early 'cos was sooo tired. I mean. Look at the timestamps. And think. Who would be up and about and chatty at midnight? Wouldn't the logical assumption be: she's sleeping...it's late over there; instead of getting petulant over being "ignored"? Sheesh. Almost one month of not talking 'cos of a major disagreement we had, and this is what he does? Immature much?

Post-Mortem (First of many, I expect)

This article will explain so much why I pendulum back and forth.

Psychotherapist Floss Knight says first love is so compelling in part because we idealise it. 'It is a romantic early dawn, which often has an effect on us for the rest of our lives, because some people cannot move on from that idealisation.' And that 'First love never dies because in most cases it doesn't have a chance to grow old,' she says. 'It is forever idealised. If you actually go back and deconstruct your first love, how realistic was it? How special was this person really? How much of the feelings you have are linked to nostalgia for what you perceive as a magical past?'

Catharsis is key to moving away. Not just moving on. But away.

PSY - Gentleman

Catchy piece of music with kinda rude dance moves. And I swear. At some points he sounds like he's saying "gonorrhoea".

Emerald is the New Black...

...for Spring/Summer 2013 anyway.

Apparently Pantone has identified Emerald as the colour trend of the year. This is going to be interesting... Now if only I could master eyeshadow application....and figure out a way to make this dress work for me.

Fashion aside, I do love the colour emerald. Brings to mind lush green forests, and beautiful jewelry.

Hello. Is It Me You're Looking For....?

Migel. In what circumstance would I have heard that word within the context of it being someone's name, that it lodged in my subconscious and manifested itself. I don't know. Stranger things have happened, I guess....

Having known Migel since pre-Bond days, we've kept in contact intermittently via SMS, Facebook, and more recently, Whatsapp. Can't say that we're best pals, but we're similar enough to each other to empathise and identify with whatever the other's going through at that point in time. I've come to rely on her to offer unbiased and brutally honest opinions so that I can cut through the self-pity and look at things more objectively in a shorter timeframe. No use wallowing in self-doubt and whatnots. But so very difficult to pull oneself out of it when you don't have anyone to tell you straight up "Get over yourself. Is bitching going to make anything better or solve the problem? Pfffft."

She moved back to Singapore. And somehow, from her own circle of friends, got to know him. I didn't know it was him that she was talking about when she first gushed about "this wonderful guy I met the other night with Cheryl and the rest of the gang". I was glad she'd met someone that could keep up with her. Even after hearing his name, I didn't make the connection. Why would I? Our backgrounds are different and social networks are vastly removed from each other.

The day I realised just who she had fallen head over heels in love (and lust) with, I was torn between feeling relief and sorrow. Relief because I never once mentioned how I felt about him to her. Never talked about him to anyone, for that matter. My own little secret because I knew nothing would ever come of it. Sorrow because I knew how well they suited each other and the knowledge that he's lost to me forever. A small masochistic part of me was somehow keeping the hope alive -- that he would one day realise that I'm the one for him. Even though logically, and realistically, I knew that it would never happen.

While waiting for the waiter to show us to our table, she pulled it out of her bag. I looked at the picture she'd placed in my hands. The two of them with arms around the back of each others' waists, smiling broadly towards the camera, her eyes twinkling with unspoken joy, his posture slightly territorial towards her. "THAT'S the guy you've been gushing about?! I know him!"

"Say whaaaaaat?"

"Yeah! I've known him for years."

"Since when? How is it that you've never mentioned him before?"

"Err...yeah. Why on earth would I bring up one of my friends when in conversation with you? It's not like we're in the habit of setting each other up with potential dates. Sheeeeeeee."

"Yeah. But....hmm. What is he like when he's with you? Does he match up with what I've mentioned so far?"

"Sort of, I guess. I can't really comment 'cos it's different. When we're hanging out, it's as two pals mucking around. When you are with him, there will be a whole different vibe happening. Good grief. It'll be sooooo wrong if he treats me the same as he treats you."

"True..."

"Look Mige. He makes you happy, and he's genuine. That's all the matters. If it helps, I really enjoy hanging out with him. We have a lot of fun times and he hasn't done anything that I strongly object to when he's in a relationship. So I can't see any red flags that you should be worried about."

"O..k.. Hey! Why don't the three of us hang out together?"

Right. That's what I wanna do. Hang out with my lost love and his new-found love and watch them gush over each other. I love it! As much as I would love having a root canal done without anaesthetic.

"Uh no. Thanks but no."

"Why not?!"

"I'll be the proverbial fifth wheel. The lamp post. Or in my case, the bloddy stadium floodlights. Are you crazy? Woman, be happy with him on your own time. I may be pals with him, but I don't wanna be caught between the two of you. If you need me to mediate, I can do that, but happiness? I need to find mine. Not watch someone else enjoying it. Ya savvy?"

"Hahahaha!! Ok! Ok! I get it."

"Good. Now. Can we get a move on?"

"Yes. Maybe I can introduce you to one of my pals?"

Glaring at her, I barked, "No." She collapsed into a fit of giggles as we made our way to dinner.