Wednesday, May 22, 2013

So In Crush...

...with D!!! Oh my word. It's ridiculous. I'm like how old?? What...the...hell.... And he's younger than me!! Not cougar-young or toy-boy young. But still. Younger!!

Ok. I'm done now. In crush. Again. With D. Again. Oh wait...I wasn't done. *sigh*

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Memory Lane

Randomly surfing the 'net and saw the word "Absinthe", and it reminded me of a long-ago SG band called Absinth. Fronted by a Caleb/Calab something-or-other. Then it got me thinking of Electrico, and how I'll be missing their gig at BayBeats this year. Then it got me reminiscing about the past...my first BayBeats gig outing. Aloysius. Gee...haven't thought of him in a long time. Well...not in connection with any pleasant memories of our past relationship, that is...

Anyway...then that got me thinking of how we went gigging at Bar None when they had 'live' bands playing every Thursday night. Live local bands. Then that got me thinking of the time when I first got interested in taking nice photos. Not just happy snaps, but the arty-farty type. And then...I realised, I'm not cut out to be a photographer. 'Cos years later, I still suck at photography. Haha!!

In any case, it was a nice trip down memory lane. And it all started with one word: Absinthe. Funny though. Absinthe. Type of alcohol. Bar None. Place where I spent lots of time sipping Lychee Martini (yes. singular). If I didn't dislike alcohol in real life, this little trip down memory lane would be indicative of a much deeper problem!

Oh...did I mention I had a crush on this Caleb/Calab person? =)

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

What...in the hell....?

23:05   Hellos....
00:31   Hi hi... what's up?
00:33   Bz?
01:16   Looks like u are not free or not really interested to talk...
01:17   In any case, I dun feel like talking anymore....
01:18   Bye
05:02   Was sleeping. Got up to go toilet and saw your msg. So replied. It was 12.30am my time when I saw your msg.

Here we go again. I'd gone to bed early 'cos was sooo tired. I mean. Look at the timestamps. And think. Who would be up and about and chatty at midnight? Wouldn't the logical assumption be: she's sleeping...it's late over there; instead of getting petulant over being "ignored"? Sheesh. Almost one month of not talking 'cos of a major disagreement we had, and this is what he does? Immature much?

Monday, April 29, 2013

Post-Mortem (First of many, I expect)

This article will explain so much why I pendulum back and forth.

Psychotherapist Floss Knight says first love is so compelling in part because we idealise it. 'It is a romantic early dawn, which often has an effect on us for the rest of our lives, because some people cannot move on from that idealisation.' And that 'First love never dies because in most cases it doesn't have a chance to grow old,' she says. 'It is forever idealised. If you actually go back and deconstruct your first love, how realistic was it? How special was this person really? How much of the feelings you have are linked to nostalgia for what you perceive as a magical past?'

Catharsis is key to moving away. Not just moving on. But away.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

PSY - Gentleman

Catchy piece of music with kinda rude dance moves. And I swear. At some points he sounds like he's saying "gonorrhoea".


Friday, April 26, 2013

Emerald is the New Black...

...for Spring/Summer 2013 anyway.

Apparently Pantone has identified Emerald as the colour trend of the year. This is going to be interesting... Now if only I could master eyeshadow application....and figure out a way to make this dress work for me.




Fashion aside, I do love the colour emerald. Brings to mind lush green forests, and beautiful jewelry.

Hello. Is It Me You're Looking For....?

Migel. In what circumstance would I have heard that word within the context of it being someone's name, that it lodged in my subconscious and manifested itself. I don't know. Stranger things have happened, I guess....

Having known Migel since pre-Bond days, we've kept in contact intermittently via SMS, Facebook, and more recently, Whatsapp. Can't say that we're best pals, but we're similar enough to each other to empathise and identify with whatever the other's going through at that point in time. I've come to rely on her to offer unbiased and brutally honest opinions so that I can cut through the self-pity and look at things more objectively in a shorter timeframe. No use wallowing in self-doubt and whatnots. But so very difficult to pull oneself out of it when you don't have anyone to tell you straight up "Get over yourself. Is bitching going to make anything better or solve the problem? Pfffft."

She moved back to Singapore. And somehow, from her own circle of friends, got to know him. I didn't know it was him that she was talking about when she first gushed about "this wonderful guy I met the other night with Cheryl and the rest of the gang". I was glad she'd met someone that could keep up with her. Even after hearing his name, I didn't make the connection. Why would I? Our backgrounds are different and social networks are vastly removed from each other.

The day I realised just who she had fallen head over heels in love (and lust) with, I was torn between feeling relief and sorrow. Relief because I never once mentioned how I felt about him to her. Never talked about him to anyone, for that matter. My own little secret because I knew nothing would ever come of it. Sorrow because I knew how well they suited each other and the knowledge that he's lost to me forever. A small masochistic part of me was somehow keeping the hope alive -- that he would one day realise that I'm the one for him. Even though logically, and realistically, I knew that it would never happen.

While waiting for the waiter to show us to our table, she pulled it out of her bag. I looked at the picture she'd placed in my hands. The two of them with arms around the back of each others' waists, smiling broadly towards the camera, her eyes twinkling with unspoken joy, his posture slightly territorial towards her. "THAT'S the guy you've been gushing about?! I know him!"

"Say whaaaaaat?"

"Yeah! I've known him for years."

"Since when? How is it that you've never mentioned him before?"

"Err...yeah. Why on earth would I bring up one of my friends when in conversation with you? It's not like we're in the habit of setting each other up with potential dates. Sheeeeeeee."

"Yeah. But....hmm. What is he like when he's with you? Does he match up with what I've mentioned so far?"

"Sort of, I guess. I can't really comment 'cos it's different. When we're hanging out, it's as two pals mucking around. When you are with him, there will be a whole different vibe happening. Good grief. It'll be sooooo wrong if he treats me the same as he treats you."

"True..."

"Look Mige. He makes you happy, and he's genuine. That's all the matters. If it helps, I really enjoy hanging out with him. We have a lot of fun times and he hasn't done anything that I strongly object to when he's in a relationship. So I can't see any red flags that you should be worried about."

"O..k.. Hey! Why don't the three of us hang out together?"

Right. That's what I wanna do. Hang out with my lost love and his new-found love and watch them gush over each other. I love it! As much as I would love having a root canal done without anaesthetic.

"Uh no. Thanks but no."

"Why not?!"

"I'll be the proverbial fifth wheel. The lamp post. Or in my case, the bloddy stadium floodlights. Are you crazy? Woman, be happy with him on your own time. I may be pals with him, but I don't wanna be caught between the two of you. If you need me to mediate, I can do that, but happiness? I need to find mine. Not watch someone else enjoying it. Ya savvy?"

"Hahahaha!! Ok! Ok! I get it."

"Good. Now. Can we get a move on?"

"Yes. Maybe I can introduce you to one of my pals?"

Glaring at her, I barked, "No." She collapsed into a fit of giggles as we made our way to dinner.

So Many Things Wrong

The fascination (obsession?) with cosmetic surgery in South Korea has finally made international headlines...and not in a good way. Because out of the contestants in this year's beauty pageant in South Korea, it seems like all of them either went to the same cosmetic surgeon, or they somehow independently carried an almost identical list of things to be changed and what to change it into.

Why anyone would want to look like a clone of someone else, I don't know. And I don't understand how anyone could possibly voluntarily go under the knife to change something about themselves. I'm not talking about the people who need to have reconstructive surgery for various reasons. I'm referring to those who think it's worth the pain of deliberately broken bones to look like someone else. All in the name of vanity and, dare I say it? Self-loathing.

Don't blame the "West" for these girls' single-minded intent to get double eyelids, bigger breasts, whiter skin, bigger eyes, different coloured eyes, darker hair, tinier waists etc... For the record, it's the Asian market that desires whiter/fairer skin. "Western" women want tans. Too many people and industries are at fault for this. Amongst these are the men in these girls' lives. And really, most males I know prefer females who look like that. Slim. Fair. Pretty. Big eyes. Sweet-looking. Demure-looking. Shy. All the guys I know all say they want their girlfriends and/or potential life partners to be opinionated, to fight with them, to be willing to stand up to them. They always omit the physical characteristics. And the fact that, in reality, they want a girl who will defer to them in everything, who will make them the centre of their universe, who will be willing to sacrifice everything to make them happy. And above all, be slim, fair, pretty, vase-like. If what I'm saying isn't true, then pray tell why is it that these are the same guys who either dump me or take no notice of me, and run after (or ogle) the nearest sweet-looking stick thin fair-skinned pretty thing? 

What's vase-like? It's a Mandarin term that refers to a girl with the abovementioned physical and personality characteristics. For display only. When it matters the most, they will be the mouthpiece of their husbands or boyfriends. If men really want individuality in their partners, then why do girls think it's desirable to look like these South Korean beauty contestants do? Young girls like them do not do things for themselves. For their family. For their self-esteem. They do it to attract boys. And to fit in the latest fashions that are made for waifs.

I've had enough of the fashion industry and men indirectly telling me that I'm not good enough for them, and that I should look a certain way. I feel very very sorry for these South Korean girls and those like them. They have lost their individuality. You can't tell them apart at first glance. In the name of wanting to be "special", they are now part of the clone army. How tragic. 

Oh. And cosmetic surgery has life-long effects on the body. Whether it's scarring or the sensation that something foreign is inside of you, or just the innate knowledge that something was purposely broken to be reshaped.

As a sidebar, to all the men who love hugging a skeleton: get a plastic one from the Biology lab. Less maintenance.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

I Had a Hunch

...and it was right. Miss TYZ. Slim. Sweet-looking. Young.

Heart broke but managed to put feelings aside to give him objective advice in spite of how I felt. From what I gather from her blog, she reciprocates his feelings. And so it goes.

Time to extract myself before I fall apart in front of him.

Farewell, my darling. This time, I think it's forever.

Dreaming

We've been close friends for many years. Some almost-romantic situations, one short-lived affair that ended in tempers fraying and a cessation of friendship that was, thankfully, not permanent, and numerous chemistry-fuelled encounters. He's not handsome or good-looking by any gauge. Average Joe, most would say. But a brilliant mind. Creative. Innovative. Passionate. Persistent. Consistent (for the most part).

A pact was made some years ago and somewhat (jokingly?) reinforced awhile back. When I hit 40 years of age, and we're still single, we'll shack up together for companionship. That number is 6 years away. So much can happen between then and now. What is my mental state regarding that? I'm afraid to think about it. Life goes on.

We catch up again after another lengthy period of time spent in different countries or different states. He's met someone that he seems serious about. Talking about her quirks and loves. She's young. I tease him again about ending up as a cradle-snatcher and he reacts predictably. "Shaddap!" I don't shut up. The day I stop giving him shite about various topics is the day our friendship hits a major roadblock and dies. He loves it anyway. No one else will tell it to him like it is. No one will give it back to me as good as he gets it. I will miss him when he's married.

Walking along a quiet stretch of road. Street lamps illuminating our paths. The occasional scurry of rats scrabbling for food gives me small frights. He takes advantage of the opportunity to tease me about being scared of things that go "bump". He's merciless. Until I turn the tables on him.

Uncharacteristically, he goes quiet. Stopping in mid-stride, he looks pensive for a fleeting moment. I step back to where he stood and joked, "Eh. What's wrong? You cannot possibly be upset over what I just said!"

He looks at me. Something in his gaze sobers me. Touching his arm to offer some comfort. He grabs my waist. Pulls me to him. Kisses me passionately. As if he was afraid that I was going to disappear into thin air or worse. I respond in kind. What else could I do? While I was happy for him to have found someone to settle down with, he is my first love. Possibly my most constant love. Guilt makes its presence known and I draw away from my drug. "What the heck was that about? You're attached and making wedding preparations!"

He holds onto me and reveals the circumstances behind his engagement.

"You. Are. KIDDING. Me! What on earth possessed you to agree to something like this?! Even if it is only for 6 months."

"I know it sounds crazy but...."

"Crazy? Crazy doesn't even BEGIN to describe it!"

"I know. Please. I need you to understand that I didn't think I had a choice. You know how my family is like."

"Yes. I do. But this is ridiculous! We're in 2013 not 1913. Even if it's is 1913, shouldn't it be the girl who needs to marry to meet familial demands? How the hell did you get pressured into this archaic...medieval...role-reversed situation?!"

"But I'm not really getting married....it's just a....."

"Yes yes. I heard you the first time. It's a pretend thing to make your grand-dad happy before he passes away...it's still going to be legally binding though. What if she changes her mind? Or you change your mind for that matter. Fine and well if you both fall in love for real, but what if it turns into some tragic one-sided thing?"

If this story had come from someone else, I wouldn't have believed it. Stepping back, I turned away from him, then spun around and said, "I don't know how to feel or respond to this. I can't be happy that you're going to follow through. And I can't penalise you for being filial......"

"I know. And I won't blame you if you decide to cut all ties with...."

"I'm not going to cut ties with you, you idiot! Seriously!! You're such an.....uuuurgh!! I can't believe you actually thought that I would do something like that. We've known each other for how many donkey years!.....y'know. It actually hurts that you would think so little of me....of our friendship. Or is this a roundabout way of telling me that you don't want me around anymore?"

"No! Never! You know that I love you!"

"Huh?"

Of all the things I thought he might say, that was the least expected. Yes, I've always had a strong sense of love for him, but since that short and ill-fated affair, I never allowed myself to say it to him. And never thought he might still have feelings for me. Much less love.

"What are you...how can you possibly.....huh?? You love me?"

"Yes", he whispers.

For the first time in all the years we've been friends or lovers, he seemed on the verge of tears. Him. The one person in this world who never fails to make me laugh. The one who, like me, is able to look for alternative solutions rather than wallowing in self-pity or giving up. He looked shattered. And it broke me. Taking the half step to close the distance between us, I pulled him to me and hugged him. At first tentatively, then strengthening the embrace when he appeared to draw comfort from my touch.

"What am I going to do?" His voice is somewhat muffled by my hair.

Hugging him tighter, I resolved to be visible and tangible in my support for him even if he and the girl do fall in love for real. I held him for a few more moments. Willing myself to remember everything about this night, the feel of his arms around me, the drugging kiss we shared, the words of love.... Steeling myself for the feeling of emptiness, I broke the embrace.

"You will follow through your promise. You don't have a choice, we both know that. And who knows, maybe you will grow to love her and vice versa, and you'll live happily ever after with no need to file for annulment."

"Yeah right. You are certifiably insane, you know that don't you?"

"Pffffft. Old news, hun."

That coaxed a small smile out of him. It disappeared and was quickly replaced by a heavy sigh. "What if she doesn't like you?"

"Then...that's a sure sign she's into you. You know how all your potential paramours are intimidated by me..."

"Haha! 'What am I chopped liver?' That's still very funny even after all these years!!"

I glared at him. "Idiot. I was going to say...before you very rudely interrupted me....that if she doesn't like me, it's a sure sign she's into you, and then maybe it's time for you to seriously consider building a permanent relationship with her. Just because you're not in love with her now doesn't mean that you won't grow to love her..."

I hesitated to say what I was thinking of next. But I had to.

"And when you two decide to turn the fake marriage into a real one, and if she still doesn't like me, then I will remove myself from your life."

"NO! I won't let you do that!"

"Oh please. You know very well that this is your current emotional state talking. When you're in love with her, you won't want me around upsetting your life partner. Sheeeesh. Get real."

"I will not allow her to push you out of my life."

"She's not pushing me out. I will voluntarily leave. I have always loved you. Never really stopped being in love with you in spite of the distance and whatnots."

We resume walking. I shove my hands in my pockets to control the urge to hold his hand. He's not mine.

"Look. I still love you. And sadly, I suspect I will always have love for you no matter who I'm with or you're with. And I know that it's different for you. When you are in a new relationship, you won't have time for me nor will you feel the same like you do now...."

"I have been in relationships when we've been apart. And I've never stopped loving you!"

"Not really. When you're in a relationship, I don't hear from you at all. It's different for you. You're always in my heart. But I re-enter yours when there isn't anyone else more interesting. No. Don't shake your head. I know it. You know it. Stop trying to fool me...and yourself."

He falls silent. Reaching around me, he tries to pull me to him. But I resist and move further away. "I can't. You belong to someone else now. Even if it isn't a so-called real relationship."

"No one is here. I want to hold you one last time. Well...hopefully not the last time, but...last time for now, anyway."

I relent and allowed his hand on my waist as we walked towards

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I Love Him...But Only On My Own...

On My Own - Eponine (Les Miserables)

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way
I close my eyes 
And he has found me

In the rain 

The pavement shines like silver
All the lights
Are misty in the river
In the darkness
The trees are full of starlight
And all I is see
Is him and me
Forever and forever

And I know

It's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him
And although
I know that he is blind
Still I say
"There's a way for us!"

I love him

But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare
And everywhere the streets
Are full of strangers

I love him

But everyday I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness
That I have never known

I love him

I love him
I love him
But only on my own

Somehow, at the end of this song, in my head, it just wants to segue to "A Heart Full of Love" immediately. Thoughts of Z seems to just cause these 2 Les Miz songs to follow each other.

You are Always on My Mind

Have been missing him since I left SG to come back to BNE. Everytime I spent time with him this trip back, it was always filled with laughs and just...good times. Really miss hanging out with him! Dammit. Just really glad that I spent my last night in SG with him. Wonder when we'll see each other again...