I heard
That you're settled down
That you found a girl
And you're married now
I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday it was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"
-- Adele
What were we talking about? Relationships, how they need work, my feelings for G and BP, and other stuff revolving around relationships. I'm adamant that G and I won't work 'cos I've tried everything and it's still dysfunctional. And Ivan called me out on something that I had thought about but didn't want to give voice to. That by being the safe place for G, I'm giving him hope or the sense that I still want things to work between us. And that if I really love G, then I gotta make a decision about the relationship now 'cos men don't stay around forever. We talked about BP abit...and some of my past relationships...and how I want more out of my partners and not just someone who might be just along for the ride, intentional or not.
For the second time this week, someone is telling me not to turn my back on relationships and marriage. It's weird. And the same message is coming from two very very different people. For one thing, one is gay and the other is straight. One is Malaysian Chinese, the other is American. One is....well...you get the idea. Two completely different individuals. But same exhortation. Have I started giving off those vibes now? That I don't believe in marriage anymore?
I do. I believe in getting married for the right reasons. Not because it's expected of you, not because you just want to have sex without censure, not because you think you can't live without his/her presence, not because you want to possess the other person. But because you don't want to live without that person in your life and you want to build a family with him/her. And this is assuming it's a functional relationship, in the first place.
I shared with Ivan that somewhere between 3 of the men I care deeply about, is my ideal partner. But that person doesn't exist in my life yet. And Ivan just said "well, you need to put yourself out there. go out and get involved in activities. stop using your thesis as an excuse not to engage with others." It's been so much easier not to go out and do things 'cos of what G will say. But yeah. Something has been holding me back. Thesis or G or BP or...just my own lack of self-confidence.
The other thing that's confronted me after the convo, is that I'm a hypocrite. There I am wondering if my friends merely married the last guy rather than the right guy, when I've found myself contemplating if I should just take the easy way out and settle for second/third best. Rather than striving to get what I want/need. Ivan asked me how long do I want to molly coddle G. I didn't have an answer...actually. I did. But it wasn't a response I really wanted to verbalise. 'Cos I have no idea if it's realistic. Probably isn't. If a person doesn't want to be independent in him/herself, they will always manage to find a crutch.
My heart has always been my Achilles Heel. That's why I refused to follow it into Counselling Psychology. I'm paying the price for following my head into Organisational Psychology, but...it's the sensible thing to do. Otherwise I would have burnt out a long time ago.
Come to think of it. I sorta mentioned to BP the other day that maybe he should be looking for a girl who is more suited to him and wanting to get married, rather than continuing with me. He wasn't receptive to the idea. At the same time, he didn't seem surprised that I brought it up either, and asked if I would rather be friends. I chickened out 'cos I wasn't willing to deal with the fallout right now. And somehow feel that I owe it to him to do it face to face rather than over the phone again. When I mentioned to Ivan that I shouldn't have given BP a second shot at the relationship, he said that you learn and you reinforce what you want and don't want, nothing to regret.
The thought of 3 of them marrying someone else...hurts. But...I don't want to sacrifice myself the way I used to when I was naive about relationships. Maybe it's time to make the hard decisions, and act on them. Cue "Someone Like You".
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