Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Whoa, whoa
Guess I'd rather hurt
Than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call
But I'm a little drunk
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now

Oh baby, I need you now

-- Lady Antebellum

Having done so long without, you'd think that I've already come to terms with everything. Gotten a grip on all the intangibles. But true to form of a female with normal hormonal cycles, some things just hit really hard in the most unexpected ways at the most inopportune times. Or maybe it's not a hormonal-female thing. Christian Kane's Thinking of You comes to mind right now...  

When a new moon shines through your window, 
or you hear a sad song on the radio. 
And you don't know why, but you just start to cry. 
Or you're driving 'round on a sunny day, 
and out of nowhere comes the pouring rain. 
And a memory hits you right out of the blue. 
It's just me, thinking of you.

Aside from the fact that Christian Kane is hawt, he's undeniably male.

So. ok. Scratch the "hormonal" thing out as being the cause of the emo. Rather, it's completely normal. Especially for someone who suppresses everything in the name of normalcy and pleasing others. Every now and then, it will just hit. And hit hard. At the same time, it's my own fault that it even has the opportunity to hit at all. I'm just a sucker for punishment. Keep opening myself up to the possibilities of getting hurt. If only I can stay away. Just leave the past back where it belongs. Put everything behind. No more "what ifs" or "if onlys" or "if evers". Then the pain will stop. But...as Lady Antebellum puts it, I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

Rebecca Kirsch gave Gina Bellman a really good line in "The Grave Danger Job". This life is not worth living without the people that make us want to tear down those walls [that we've erected before]. The thrill of vulnerability, the danger of opening your heart......it makes us feel alive.

On the up side, I've never called out of weakness, fatigue, or drunken-ness.