Of BP and Marriage

For every annoyance that comes to mind, there are at least 2 other instances of him doing something really sweet...if I stop being annoyed and think about it. The question then becomes: do I (or rather, am I able to) allow the tender actions outweigh the annoyances? Both aspects are a part of him. When I'm calm, the memories of unexpected gestures cause a conflict if I think about breaking it off. But when I'm annoyed, my resolve is firm.

Can I live with a person who I alternately care about and have little respect for? Little respect...not disrespect. I don't disrespect him. I just...don't have much faith and trust in him to be able to be an equal and not another person that I end up looking out for or taking care of. And based on his past relationships with others and with me, there is actually some measure of insecurity for me. 'Cos when he loves a woman (or maybe when he believes he loves a woman), he will be completely devoted to her, placing her and her family second to his own family (hey. any person who places another family ahead of their own is scum to me...unless there's a damned excellent reason), and doing whatever he can to support her dreams and ambitions. BUT when things aren't going well, he is one of the most vicious and vindictive people I know. He won't tear you down, but attack what he believes you intrinsically value. And he has an uncanny ability to ferret out whatever that is. Don't know if he's aware he's doing it, but he does do it.

I think about my walls being up and being very guarded these days with sharing what I feel with people. His defenses are one of those super high-tech ninja-like fortresses that are sunk into the ground during good times lulling everyone that visits into a (false) sense of security, and snaps up in a split second when he feels something is not to his liking. And embedded into the wall are elite snipers and archers ála the Elven folk in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings saga...pointing their weapons at whatever perceived intruder/marauder/person-he-feels-is-attacking-his-perfect-world.

Do I marry him just to give him what he wants and so I don't feel guilty for agreeing to give the relationship a second chance, all the while preparing for the eventuality of divorce? Not to mention the fact that everyone is getting married these days. Must be a fun endeavour. Get married just to own a flat and live together forever without wanting children. Fucking. Kill. Me. Now.

That's another thing. I don't understand why the frick people are keen to get married and not plan to have kids. Or rather, do things to prevent themselves from falling pregnant and say to their friends that they have no intentions of having children. Then...why get married?? My cliqué of friends from primary and secondary school are all married. Varying from 2 to 5 years of marriage. And still no kids. No plan to have kids (as far as I know). Then..there are ex-classmates/schoolmates who got married and had a succession of children. Good for them. But this is not about them.

Maybe I'm too "westernised" in my thinking. Or rather, forgetting the cultural taboos that still exist in SG. Co-habiting is still not the done thing in SG. And maybe many couples decide to get married 'cos they want to live together and copulate without censure.

I...have a better solution. Move to a "western" country. Get out of your comfort zone and start a new life in a new country, and you have all the privacy you want without the ties of marriage. Mind you, I'm "recommending" this to people who have no intentions of having biological children. If you want children with your current partner, I do believe you should get married. Assuming it's a functional and loving relationship, it will provide the children with stability and a strong foundation for role modelling. Getting married just for the sake of it is like telling people "I love this man/woman so much that I want to possess him/her and make sure the world knows he/she belongs to me...and I'm conforming to social conventions by having sex within the sanctity of my marriage vows".

If you are unable to have children, that's a different story altogether. It's those that are unwilling to procreate that I want to ask: why the need to go through all that expense to have a legal document stating that any relationship outside of this one is grounds for punishment?

OK. How the bloomin' heck did I wander into the minefield of marriage???

Anyway...BP. Relationship question mark. I'm a basket case.

In trying to think of a suitable title for this post, the phrase "of mice and men" came up. Couldn't for the life of me remember the author of the book (John Steinbeck. *duh*) so I went googling. And in the wiki entry, there is an excerpt from John Steinbeck's journal

In every bit of honest writing in the world there is a base theme. Try to understand men, if you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and nearly always leads to love. There are shorter means, many of them. There is writing promoting social change, writing punishing injustice, writing in celebration of heroism, but always that base theme. Try to understand each other.
— John Steinbeck in his 1938 journal entry

What resonated with me are the second and third sentences. I love BP because I understand him. At the same time, it's because of this understanding that I can't see him as the father of my children, much less envision an everlasting future for us.

So who do I see an everlasting future with? Um. That's...my secret. Have a great day/night, wherever in the world you are.